7 Quick Takes 8/21

~1~


I found out on Tuesday that the child I'm carrying will be another boy and couldn't be more excited. This will make three boys for our family. I love the 3D ultrasound photos like the one above. While we were watching on the monitor he was sucking his thumb and appeared to be sleeping. It's pretty awesome to think that he'll be here in just four short months.


Now on with the naming. I looked at my name list this morning and noticed that I have 25 girl names compared to only five boy names. Five names and my husband hates them all, so it's back to the drawing board. We're thinking that we'll go with something more traditional this time around.

~2~



Speaking of 3D ultrasounds my mom sent me this video today. Apparently the state of Connecticut is banning novelty 3D ultrasounds. I have yet to read a study that proves that ultrasounds are dangerous to developing babies, so if anyone has information on that let me know.

I have only had experience with ultrasounds in my doctors office and agree that the expensive novelty places are frivolous. I've also heard that the technicians aren't always properly trained, but to each their own. I would never pay for one, but I kind of wonder if an all out ban is a little excessive.

~3~

I also found out on Tuesday that I have gained six pounds over the last month. Let me just note that my doctor's fancy digital scale is a full 10 lbs. off from the one I use at home, and not in my favor so I don't give their weight calculations much credit. It's obvious that my $5 clearance Wal-Mart scale is much more accurate.

Still, I've been averaging a respectable 3lb. weight increase each month so 6lbs. is a lot. That's bad enough, but when my doctor looked at my chart she made a face. You know the one, she raised her eyebrows and sucked her breath in through her teeth and said,"You should watch what you eat."

Ahem. Attention doctors: When discussing the weight of pregnant patients you are not allowed to make a "face". Also, I'm sure that I've read somewhere that babies need ample portions of onion rings once or twice a week in order to properly develop so chew on that for minute. Plus at five months pregnant I can still zip AND button most of my jeans so...there.

~4~

My head aches are gone! I'm not sure what I did, but somehow the pain migrated from my head to my lower back and right knee which is actually much more bearable. I've been able to think clearly now for the last few weeks which has been wonderful and I'm sure my family would tell you that I've been slightly less...ummm...volatile.

I'm slowly getting back on track with all of the things I've neglected like housework, journal writing and blogging. Check it out, this is my third post in three days. I'm feeling pretty good.

~5~

I'm on Twitter. You can follow me by clicking on the link on my sidebar. I tried Twitter a few months ago, but got tired of all the advertisement updates and bored easily so if anyone has interesting recommendations for people to follow I would love to hear them.

~6~

School starts on Monday for me and my second grader. I'm really looking forward to being busy again. I thought that I would be super productive this summer while school was out, but that hasn't been the case. I've found myself bored and looking for something to do more often than not. It seems that I'm much more focused when my schedule is packed.

My second grader? Not so excited.

~7~

Just Lenae has a wonderful post up here about her husband. She's one of those bloggers who always seems to be discussing something that's on my mind as well so I love her blog. Every time I read one of her posts I want to raise my hand and shout,"Me too! Me too!." She's an amazing writer and I recommend you check her out.

Conversion Diary is another great blog. Thanks to Jennifer for hosting Seven Quick Takes.

Does God Really Care if I'm an Introvert?

This week our pastor delivered a sermon about building intentional relationships. To be honest I was half listening and half making faces at the adorable baby in front of me. (Seriously...she was cute.) It's probably something I should have paid more attention to.

I'm an introvert and always have been. I'm social when I need to be, but given the choice between a big party or a night by myself with a good book? Well, just tell everyone I said hello. It's probably no coincidence then that I have a hard time developing close friendships. Honestly? It's never really bothered me much. I prefer to be alone and let's face it, friendships can sometimes be inconvenient. I know that sounds awful.

I have a close circle of people (mostly family members) who I rely on and take care of. It's hard for me to branch out and let new people in. So when Pastor Scott started talking about intentionally pursuing relationships with other Christians I kind of zoned out. That sounds nice for other people, but it's not for me. Sure I like to be social occasionally when it's my idea and on my terms, but this sounds like a lot of work. I'm here to pursue a personal relationship with God. What do other people have to do with that?

Unfortunately, the words that I did listen to are sticking with me this week like gum on the bottom of my shoe. Pastor Scott used the analogy of Redwood trees. The trees have shallow roots, yet they intertwine with each other so they can grow to amazing heights and not be blown over by the wind. Cheesy, I know. Personally if I were a tree I'd rather be one with deep roots that can stand by itself, or maybe some rare, beautiful, flowering tree...

Anyways, enough about the trees I think you get my point. My question is this, does God really care if I'm introverted? Do I need to put myself out there more?

Our church really pushes home groups where a bunch of people in similar stages of life get together once a week and do...something. I'm not actually sure what they do. Bible study? Compare sermon notes? For some reason I've been hesitant to participate, but the topic keeps coming up in random conversations and I'm not sure if I should join one.

On one hand it would be nice to get to know a group of people who believe in God as most of my friends and family are closed to the idea. On the other hand, one night a week is a lot of time for a woman already overcommited as it is.

Does anyone have experiments with these types of groups? Did you find it to be a useful experience, or a big waste of time?

Amazing Artist

This man was born without eyes, yet he paints beautifully in amazing detail. Consider me blown away...

I can't believe it's been a month...

I opened my email for the first time in at least a month today and was touched by the number of fellow bloggers who have reached out to see why I've been absent. I'm sorry for just disappearing, I wish I had a good reason. I just didn't think anyone would want to read a series of posts titled "Kaycee's Life is a Mess", however I did consider the alternate title "All the Reasons my Life Sucks Right Now." Honestly, they both seemed kind of depressing.

It's been a summer of illness and financial woes that's all but brought me to my knees a few times. I had hoped it to be a season of rest, but these last few months have been hard. I'm actually looking forward to Fall and the start of school. I'm hoping that homework and exams will bring me a much needed diversion. I don't even know if I should still be going to school, but I'm holding out hope that it will lead to good things. Every course I pass seems to be a milestone that brings me one step closer to...something. I don't know what yet.

July welcomed the second trimester of my third pregnancy along with debilitating headaches that make my brain stop functioning and drain me physically. Tylenol doesn't do anything for me and I'm hesitant to take narcotics. I lay in bed every evening with a cloth across my forehead hoping that if I stay still and don't move I'll get some relief. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I'm being closely monitored by my doctor who assures me that there is nothing wrong, the baby is fine and the pain will pass. I'm still waiting, however the duration between headaches seems to be getting longer.

Despite the headaches, life must go on. I've somehow found the energy to take care of the very basics. Every day I take ten deep breaths in the car, drop off the kids and drive to work where I function at a level just high enough to keep my job. I had to take a cut in pay and my husband's main job cut his hours which has left us scratching our heads wondering what else we can possibly take out of our already tight budget.

This is nothing new, for the past two years we've fought to pay the mortgage and keep little bellies fed. We've both been working as hard as we can, but we're gaining no ground. Whenever we feel like we're breaking free an unexpected circumstance arises and shoves us back into the corner. He wakes up at 3:30 AM to go to job number one, then works at job number two until 5 or 6:00 PM. I work, go to school and diligently watch the budget, cutting expenses where ever I can. People are always amazed when I tell them that I feed our family of four for $60 a week (including diapers!). Somehow we always make the ends meet, but just barely.

This summer though, I can feel the struggle taking it's toll. We're tired. I'm tired. He's tired. I can tell by the gaunt shadows under his eyes and the defeated shuffle in his walk. Our tempers are short. We have frequent, tight-lipped conversations about money that usually end with him running to buy cigarettes (a bad habit that he's stopped and started many times) and me in tears.

Still though, our marriage is strong and at night sometimes we talk about dropping it all and running away. We half joke about packing up the kids in the camping trailer and just disappearing. Let the bank take the house, it is after all just a house. Phone calls from bill collectors can go unanswered. Lately he talks about finding work as a fishing guide somewhere in Alaska while I stay at home in a tidy little hunting cabin to tend the kids. Where he got that idea I don't know. It would never work, first of all my sanity requires running water and second of all we're way too practical.

We know things will work out, it's just hard right now. The arrival of the new baby in January, while exciting, will bring it's own set of trials. I will likely be out of work and it's unclear right now how we'll afford everything. I have a feeling that it will be a lesson in priorities and letting things go.

Oh...I just remembered that this blog is about me finding my faith. Ok well, here's the thing. God absolutely knew what he was doing when I posted here about the phone call I received to help out with the kids at church this summer. If I had not had that commitment these last few months I surely would not have kept going, I'm not that strong. Now though, I feel connected to the church and the people. I care about the kids and still look forward to going every week. That alone has been enough to bolster my faith in God. It seems more unlikely to me now than ever that He doesn't exist. Although the rest of my life is a bit of a mess I still have Sundays and when I take the time to look I can see the fine threads that bind my life and choices with those of other people which remind me that, even if my life is not picture perfect now, there is a higher power at work.

I still struggle with prayer. I DO pray, just not with the commitment that I probably should. Some days it's just a frustrated sigh and a loud, "God, FIX THIS!!" with an animated gesture towards whatever "this" I'm referring to at the moment. This just scares the kids and does little to help my current situation. Our Pastor keeps talking about spiritual advisement, which I've decided that I probably need, but I'm hesitant to commit to anything else right now.

So in short, life has been a big, dark cloud with little bits of silver lining here and there. Typing this out just now made me feel quite a bit better though and I think I'll keep this blog open. Thank you so much to the people who checked up on me, it was a great reminder of all the reasons I enjoy blogging and writing.

If you follow my main blog know that I will probably delete it. It's only representative of a fraction of who I am and is a commitment that I've come to resent. While I love cooking, saving money and being a mommy I've decided that I don't care to write about it. Mostly I think because I feel like a giant fraud, my life isn't as rosy as that blog would have you believe. I would love for you to follow me here though. I can't say how often I'll be updating, but I'm feeling better every day now and looking forward to checking up on all the people whose blogs I've neglected the last month or so.

Your Inner Fish

I'm no scientist, but if you want to read a great book on evolution check out Your Inner Fish by Neil Shubin. I couldn't put it down, it's about 200 pages long and I finished it in just two days. Now I don't want to take it back to the library.

Shubin keeps the book interesting by mixing in humor and stories from his days in the field as a paleontologist as part of the team that discovered Tiktaalik with studies from various scientists around the world. The book compares the human anatomy with animals like sharks and jellyfish finding surprising similarities. If you're a nerd like me you'll probably find it interesting.

The book is refreshing in that Dr. Shubin didn't deem it necessary to go into a long diatribe about how science is superior to creation because of x,y and z. He is clearly not a believer in intelligent design, but there wasn't a hint of cynicism towards believers which is rare in popular science books these days. If you are seeking answers you will come up empty handed because there is nothing in this book that proves or disproves the notion of a creator. It's just a good book about evolution that's easy to follow.

There are a few confusing discrepancies. For example at one point he states that we are a "package of about two trillion cells assembled in a very precise way", yet in another chapter he claims that "we were not designed rationally, but are products of a convoluted history" and that our bodies are "jerry-rigged".

An interview with Neil Shubin:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Neil Shubin
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Mark Sanford

Just because Stephen Colbert and I sort of have a "thing".

An Update

Last night I was tired. I'm going through first trimester bouts of exhaustion and simply can not keep up with my lofty expectations for myself. I was angry. Angry because the house was a mess, the garbage was over flowing, the kids wouldn't eat the dinner that I had overcooked, I had forgotten about a bill that needed to be paid and about a million other small crises that had snowballed into what I felt was a fiasco and put me in a very bad mood. All I could think was, "this isn't the way it's supposed to be" Once again I had let myself get bogged down in non-essential tasks and let go of the day to day responsibilities.

You see, I'm a "go-to" gal. I love to volunteer my time and am so flattered when someone asks me to help out that my knee jerk reaction is to say "yes" before I have a chance to think through the repercussions.

Will I be the snack mom for T-Ball? Sure. Can I manage the calendar for my hiking group? Absolutely. Swimming lessons? Sounds fun. A book club that meets weekly? I can probably squeeze that in right between night school and baking cookies for one of the billions of parties we go to each month. You get the idea. I hoard these experiences like I only have a few more months to cram it all in, not wanting to miss a thing.

So last week after work I had swimming lessons on Monday and Wednesday, I was a book fair volunteer on Tuesday, hiking group on Thursday and a surprise trip to the doctor on Friday night. Saturdays are reserved for meal planning, grocery shopping, something fun with the kids and cleaning. Sundays bring church, laundry and cooking for the week ahead.

In order to keep up with this lifestyle I have just about every aspect of my life and every spare second of my day planned out right down to what socks the kids will be wearing. Rarely does my day go exactly as planned, but I've become adept at sidestepping the small obstacles and powering through.

I'm not entirely sure why I do this. I think a big part of it is a control issue. I want to be the super-mom/housekeeper/student/wife/worker/fillintheblank and in the words of Mr. T, I pity the fool who gets in my way. I pride myself in having it all together. This is the foundation I'm building my life on and the image I'm projecting to the world.

The problem with this is that there isn't any room for error in my life. When something unexpected happens, an unplanned pregnancy for example, I don't know how to respond. When the ball drops I find myself in a very dark place. I just stop and let everything pile up around me. I feel guilty and overwhelmed. I put up this front of having everything together, having it all figured out. The fact that in my heart I know it isn't true causes me a great amount of guilt. When I look around at all the things left undone, no matter how insignificant, I feel like a fake and a failure.

My life is centered on this puzzle that is absolutely dependent on me having complete control of everything. My self worth is dependent on all those pieces falling into place and when they don't, I feel worthless. Even when I get what I want and everything goes according to plan I still feel tired and sometimes resentful towards people who aren't helping me accomplish my unreasonable objectives, or worse I feel superior to people who don't "have it all figured out" like me. From a faith based perspective I'm starting to believe that this is a dangerous way to live.

A book that's been on my mind lately is The Reason for God by Timothy Keller. The whole book is quite provoking, but the chapters that are the most convicting in my life at the moment are the ones involving Hell and idolatry. Not that I think I'm going to Hell, just that Keller's description of Hell and the path to it is far different than anything else I've heard. There is no talk of flames or cartoon-ish devil caricatures, he states that "hell is the trajectory of a soul, living a self-absorbed, self-centered life, going on and on forever." In other words, God ultimately gives us up to our desires in the end.

He drives the point home in his chapter about idolatry called The Problem with Sin:

"A life not centered on God leads to emptiness. Building our lives on something besides God not only hurts us if we don't get the desires of our hearts, but also if we do."

It's an interesting thought and it's made me think about where my life is centered. Certainly not on God. If what Keller says is true and I'm on my eternal trajectory, then as time goes on my feelings of worthlessness, despair, bitterness and resentment will only worsen until I'm so far absorbed into myself that I can't see the way out. That does sound like hell.

This perspective hasn't necessarily made it any easier to give my life over to God. In fact I've compartmentalized my life so completely that my spiritual life rarely if ever comes into contact with the other aspects of it. I'm not ready to give up the illusion of control, but I'm getting there.

I'm also starting to feel that there is no time to be hesitant, I'm either giving my life over to God or I'm not. For years now I've recklessly said that I'm on the fence about this, I'm starting to realize that there is no fence.

A life is either all spiritual or not spiritual at all. No man can serve two masters. Your life is shaped by the end you live for. You are made in the image of what you desire.

-Thomas Merton

To Strange to be Coincidence

In Monday's post I said that I've been concerned about two things a) making church a priority and b) helping my toddler adjust to going to church. I think I just got my solution.

Of all the volunteer opportunities our church has to offer I'm most excited about working with the kids.

Our church has several great volunteer teachers who spend countless hours developing engaging lesson plans for the kids that teach fundamental Christian principles, the Bible and the story of Jesus.

During the last few weeks our pastor has announced the need for volunteers in the children's church over the summer to give the regular teachers a much needed break. I really wanted to help, but seeing as I'm so new to this I didn't think that I should be teaching the kids about the Bible. That has the potential for disaster written all over it. Truth be told, most seven year-olds are probably better equipped to teach on the subject than I am.

Well, apparently it doesn't matter if I'm equipped or not. Ten minutes ago my phone rang and it was the lady who heads up the children's church. She said that she was calling because of the blue card that I filled out about helping in one of the classes for the summer. She still had one slot that needed to be filled during the second service. Guess where? The toddler room.

The thing is, I never filled out a blue card. I did fill out a card a few months ago on my first visit to the church asking for more information about the kid's program. I'm sure that's where she got my phone number, but I never filled out the card to volunteer in the classes.

What could I say? Of course I said yes, I was too shocked to say anything else. I couldn't exactly tell her that she had the wrong person, she was looking at my name and phone number on a card that I filled out.

Strange coincidence? Or is this one of those "ask and ye shall receive" moments?

On the heels of the infamous Flying Shoe Catastrophe I can't help but think it's more than a coincidence. Also, I just got done telling Becky in the comments that I feel guilty leaving an unruly toddler with people I don't know very well. Now I have no excuses. This is just too weird.

This effectively solves both of my problems. I'm now committed to attend church every week over the summer, not just for myself, but for the parents who will be depending on me. It will also give me an opportunity to get my own toddler used to the idea of church and gradually pull him out of his comfort zone.

I'm kind of hoping that it will help me build a network within the church as well so I don't feel like such a newbie/outsider.

So consider me blown away, and maybe a little bit scared.